Transitioning to Age 50 as My Best Self, and How You Can Too, at Any Age

The first paragraph from one of my favorite books, The Road Less Travelled (written by M. Scott Peck, M.D.), says this: “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It's a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

Cognitively I get that. Emotionally, well, that's a whole other thing…

I struggled with this year the most, not because I feel that my life is over per se, but rather my attempts at understanding the significance of this marker and the absolute truth of life’s difficulties.

I remember, like yesterday, what I envisioned for myself when I hit "this place." That I'd have grown children, totally have my "shit together," understand everything that life threw at me, I'd be rich, etc.

BEING A MOM: I never imagined that fertility issues would have challenged my being a mom when I was ready, or that adulthood would be this confusing. Within the last decade, I've reflected on the actions and decisions made by the adults from my village, those who raised me. I've had moments of clarity, where I totally get why they may have acted that way.

Simultaneously, I'm now raising teens and I think daily about how my own kids must believe I know the answers to everything -- and sometimes that makes me feel like a fraud. Yet, every day I encounter new situations at age 50 that I need to navigate. And I'm OK with that now.

RELATIONSHIPS: I've spent YEARS diving into the rabbit hole of personal development. That's scary! I'll always be a "working document," and I get that now. There's no age that says, "NOW, you've learned all there is. Being in this place of 20/20 hindsight, I see friendships I should have steered clear of, relationships that came with an abundance of red flags I ignored, activities I'd engaged in that were overt indicators of my own self-disrespect, and so on.

I'm now enjoying the space of being alone more – I used to beat myself up because I didn’t "mom" well and have this huge group of friends. I realize, for me, that need was probably stemming more from a need for diversion from my own thoughts and voices. Maybe I needed the solace to learn who I was and love that girl first.

Now, I'm following the lead of what that girl needs. I don’t allow anyone to intrude on my boundaries – now, I vocalize to people that it's not OK to talk to me or treat me in a certain manner. It’s pretty amazing, actually. I'm finally coming to grips with that at 50!

FAMILY: Learning to understand the true meaning of family. This one is huge. I see a lot of struggles with people who say things like, "Family is everything" or "Family is all you have at the end of the day." For some people, that may be true. But what if it isn’t? What if your family is toxic and makes you feel compartmentalized or less than? What then? Do you keep trying to be their everything when you feel like nothing?

I've arrived at a place where I understand that family isn't who Hallmark says they are; they aren't always the people who'd give you one of their kidneys. Rather, family is who you create through your heart – the people who see your light, who love everything about you, from your crazy to fantastic. They challenge you to be better than your yesterday’s version of yourself, the ones who you connect with off social media and think about often. My family of the heart knows who they are because I make it a point to tell them how much they mean to me as often as I can. I'm finally coming to grips with that at 50!

So, please let my older/wiser version leave you with some tips:

1. Harvest the good. We can’t undo what's happened to us, as kids. However, we can recognize that the people in our village were operating from a certain level of awareness. We have the power and ability to raise our levels, should we choose to do so. Don’t pack the anger of what was in your bookbag of life. Toss those stones and find something that can serve as a silver lining. If not, that bookbag will continue to weigh you down and affect your life.

2. Embrace the confusion of adulthood. No one has all the answers. NO ONE. Google your questions, reach out to someone who's successfully mastered your issue, and educate yourself about what you don’t know. Be OK with the idea that you can’t do it all. Adulthood is the scariest hood I've ever entered, and it comes with no GPS.

3. Change your relationships. In life, you never get what you want. You get what you are. Are you confused? Angry? Frustrated? Toxic? Full of drama? I could go on forever. Life is like a magnet. You attract what you are. Want to change? Then do that! When you change you and truly love the person you are, ALL of your relationships WILL change.

4. Take a good look at your family. If this is a personal struggle for you, I empathize. It IS hard. It's difficult to understand why people who share family ties aren't close or may never be. Sometimes it just is though, and we may never understand it. That's OK. What I need you to do is think of some people in your circle who make you happy, who you connect with or text often, and who remember things about you: your birthday, life events and struggles. See that list of people? THOSE people are your family.

5. Prioritize your personal development. This is the relationship you have with YOU. Learn all that you can about yourself! Understand your whys. Learn your value system. Read and stay engaged in your interests. It's so easy to get diverted into the lives of those around you. But at the end of the day, you're all you really have.

And THAT's everything that I'm learning to come to grips with at 50.

Be well,

Cristina