This is my husband the year we met - 1995. I was 22 and unexpectedly had met my future husband. We dated on and off for a bit because when you meet 'the one' it takes you aback and can scare you especially if you aren't ready and I just wasn't. I had just gotten out of a really toxic relationship, hadn't healed and my belief system refused to allow me to believe I was worthy of a person who could care for me. I am sure many of you can relate.
So, crazy question would be - - what kept bringing me back? What made THIS guy so different? Simple - he raised the bar over the others - he held the door open for me, helped me put my coat on, drove from his home state of NJ to DE where I was living to pick out a Christmas tree and carry it up 3 flights of steps, family was important to him - he carried pictures of his nieces and nephews around, he made me feel safe - I could keep going.
We eventually decided in the late 90's that we should give it a go and it was all gas - no brakes. We married on July 19, 2002.
What has happened since then has been a whirlwind, truly - grad school, moving to NJ (into multiple homes now since 2004), suffering loss (miscarriage/loss of parents), surviving the fertility experience (twice) and becoming parents, surviving those teen years together and learning the ropes of parenting a college kid, job changes and retirement, business building. Literally, to name a few.
Has it been easy? Absolutely not! Marriage is really hard. I believe that most people spend days and months planning 'the wedding' and no one really talks about the marriage - money/family interactions/how to run a household, etc. Marriage is compromise (a shit ton of compromise), there will be times you lose yourself as a woman - it all begins with the name change and continues to transition after that, parenting can be bullshit and make you completely disconnected from your partner, experiencing miscarriage with your partner can take you to levels of anger and grief you NEVER see coming, sometimes you miss the exciting and irresponsible person you were before you took the plunge (when life was not consumed with 'did you get dog food?' and 'the water bill is due'), it can become mundane with all of the day to day and that can make people resentful (result to keeping score in the marriage), etc.
But can it also be amazing? OMG, YES! In the last 20 years, we grew people twice (which literally makes me a superhero on some level - LOL), we are surviving this adulthood thing as besties and can laugh hysterically about the adventures along the way (on a side note - this is truly the scariest hood I have ever encountered), we are still growing up ourselves emotionally/mentally while with a partner who supports or challenges those revelations, we have done home projects together that were HGTV worthy, not to mention that in a world so unexpected having a stable spouse makes you feel super calm and secure, etc.
This is a recent pic of us - we have definitely come a long way....
Why do I feel compelled to share all of this? For a number of reasons - I think mostly for the transparency about it all. You see, I talk to lots of people in my practice and I think that marriage sometimes gets a bad wrap. I think that there are so many who want to cut and run, which I totally get because I have felt that way sometimes, too. I think that our society has lost the importance in the meaning of vows/commitment and honor. Marriage is a big step and it can truly scare the hell out of people if they are not REALLY committed - not the superficial committed that we see today, but the "'til death do us part committed".
But, this isn't all about me and MY marriage. I want to leave you with a few of my takeaways that may also help you achieve your own marriage longevity:
Be their #1 cheerleader- Believe in their dreams or visions and help bring them to fruition - -- even when you don't fully 'get it'. Being supportive is key - marriage is a team sport.
Don't lower the bar - Challenge your partner to be better than who they were yesterday FOREVER. Just because you are married doesn't mean you become complacent or stuck (mentally/physically/emotionally). In life you are either growing or dying and that is the truth.
Stay original - Yes you are now of a team, but truth bomb if you don't stay true to yourself you will quickly lose that person and when the kids grow up and move along you may as well start to sound the 'identity crisis bell'. It's totally OK to have different views/hobbies/interests, etc. That doesn't mean you aren't a good fit. As long as your values are in alignment you will achieve harmony.
Keep your sense of humor - trust me on this. Life is messy. You can either laugh or cry. It will hand you some doozies and believe me when I say this - learning to not take it all so seriously will do you a huge favor. Conserve all that other energy for the big stuff.
Don't take your circus on the road - Basically, don't throw all your personal laundry out there. Do your best to keep your disagreements private - or find that one person in the family that has your best interest at heart and can help you through it - even holding you accountable. Sharing all your business so openly will kill trust in your relationship quickly.
I hope this helped simplify some of the dance of marriage. It can be complicated. But it can be pretty magical too. Our kids are teenagers now - and while most of our hobbies have become ubering/ATM service and unneccessary trips to Target, that is OK.
Mr. Mazzeo and I are in another phase of our time together. While I have no idea what will come at us, along the way, I am pretty stoked to be doing it for another 20 years together.
Be well and if this post spoke to you, let me know. Always here to help!
Cristina
Comentários